This was my Mom's attempt at understanding my bulimia. And you can imagine how I felt about that! You see, my Mom really has no problem with me starving myself. As long as she does see me eat and she knows I am not throwing up, it's quite alright with her if all I consume is two hundred calories a day. She doesn't care to go further than that. It may be to protect herself from the reality of the severity of my disease or it may be that she just really likes me best really skinny, I'm not sure... She doesn't like to rock the boat or get me upset and I think it's just because she doesn't know what to do.
Who does know what to do? I'm twenty-five. Well out of her reach. And she knows it and I'm so stubborn about doing things my own way. Too bad my own way sucks...
I stayed home from work today. My weight has fluctuated up by ten pounds. Partially pms and partially the non-stop b/p session I've been on. I had gotten crazy thin and now I feel like a bloated blimp. My mind is going crazy throwing insults. My face is swollen and deformed looking and I'm physically exhausted. I need a nap... I rarely let myself. I worry about the laziness and gaining weight. I need to let my body rest and heal. Maybe today is the day. I say that a lot, if only to myself. But faith is all I've got these days.
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