As I look around my room, I see it's in shambles... Much as it has been for the past two years... I am surrounded by a sea of open containers, wrappers and dishes... My desk is dirty. I see food smears on the edge... There are small mountains of clean and dirty clothes all piled on my floor. And it's a reflection of how I feel.
Out of control. I feel fat. I may not be, but I should be. I should be after the massive amount of calories I've binged and purged today. Last day, I say. Last day. And it never is. But tommorrow it wll be.
So I sit, waiting for tommorrow to come. And watch as my life passes on by. I ignore texts, ignore calls, ignore the outside world. I won't look anyone in the eye. I'm too shameful. They may see my truth.
I'm overwhelmed by everything I need to do. I can't function. I can't figure out how to do it all. And I have not idea where to start. So I binge and purge to forget about it. And then I'm done and I'm numb and I still know I'm in 'trouble,' but I'm so spent, I can't muster the courage to really care. But I'm lethargic and dead inside. This is how I feel... AFTER a day of binging and purging. This is the negativity that seeps from my pores on days like this... Tommorrow my Mom and I are looking at new apartments for me to move into since my roommate randomly decided to move out on me. And I won't have the chance to do this. Tommorrow positive Molly Sue will emerge from the sea of wrappers into the real world. And be the cheerful, happy girl she is known to be...
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Talk about Pandora's Box...
I can't go a single day with binging and purging... My cheeks are swollen and I know it's from my parotid glands working overtime. I don't weigh a lot at all, but in my head, I'm still fat. Even though technically I know it's not true. Classic, huh? Well it may be, but it still sucks. At least I should get to feel thin! If I could weigh ten pounds less. But honestly, I know I would look sick. But then I wouldn't feel fat.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I spent a lot of money on binge food and purged it all. I can't stop. My roommate is moving out early and I know it's because my bulimia has gotten so bad. And yet I still can't stop. It makes me feel even worse. What a disgusting habit. What a digusting person. I called my Mom crying last night.
She is going to pay for me to go back to the doctor and get on meds and try therapy again. It's expensive. One day I'll pay for it on my own, but I spend so much money on food right now, I'm practically in debt. And until I get some help, I know now I can't stop on my own.
The only time I've stopped is when I was taking Adipex, walking 7 miles or more at 4 mph a day, and eating a very low calorie diet. And I felt amazing, but even then it's hard to keep that up. When I get hit with problems, i.e. my ex broke up with me out of the blue, I turn to binging and purging. I lose weight and it makes me feel powerful. Until it starts to trap me and depress me. It's a cycle. And I want out.
I have dieted since sixth grade and switched between anorexia and binging in high school. College brought back restriction, although technically not anorexia. I would eat between 1000 and 1200 calories a day and it enabled me to keep a fairly low weight. I was freaky about it though. Same food, same times and very upset if my routines got upset. I was like this until I graduated and started going out. Then I stopped eating on weekends if I drank. And saw this made me lose more weight. And when I couldn't stop myself from binging and gained some weight, I eventually learned to purge.
Talk about Pandora's Box.
Bulimia hasn't always been good weight wise. It took me to my heaviest weight last year and I was more depressed than I have been in my life. At this point in time, it's keeping my weight fairly low, but I worry for the day when I start to gain.
It is also lowering my self-esteem, keeping me from being able to make decisions on my own, making me feel ugly and fat, keeping me from having healthy relationships with my family, friends or men, keeping me from 'growing up', keeping me from saving money and therefore buying a house, etc, and making me sick. My chest hurts sometimes. I am always tired. My face is swollen. I am scared.
I have never wanted to go back to the doctor, but I am ready now. I definitely need medication for depression and especially anxiety. And possibly ADHD. And therapy. I am not sure if I am willing to gain weight, but I know I am not willing to live in this hell anymore. And I can't get out alone.
I had a horrible day yesterday. I spent a lot of money on binge food and purged it all. I can't stop. My roommate is moving out early and I know it's because my bulimia has gotten so bad. And yet I still can't stop. It makes me feel even worse. What a disgusting habit. What a digusting person. I called my Mom crying last night.
She is going to pay for me to go back to the doctor and get on meds and try therapy again. It's expensive. One day I'll pay for it on my own, but I spend so much money on food right now, I'm practically in debt. And until I get some help, I know now I can't stop on my own.
The only time I've stopped is when I was taking Adipex, walking 7 miles or more at 4 mph a day, and eating a very low calorie diet. And I felt amazing, but even then it's hard to keep that up. When I get hit with problems, i.e. my ex broke up with me out of the blue, I turn to binging and purging. I lose weight and it makes me feel powerful. Until it starts to trap me and depress me. It's a cycle. And I want out.
I have dieted since sixth grade and switched between anorexia and binging in high school. College brought back restriction, although technically not anorexia. I would eat between 1000 and 1200 calories a day and it enabled me to keep a fairly low weight. I was freaky about it though. Same food, same times and very upset if my routines got upset. I was like this until I graduated and started going out. Then I stopped eating on weekends if I drank. And saw this made me lose more weight. And when I couldn't stop myself from binging and gained some weight, I eventually learned to purge.
Talk about Pandora's Box.
Bulimia hasn't always been good weight wise. It took me to my heaviest weight last year and I was more depressed than I have been in my life. At this point in time, it's keeping my weight fairly low, but I worry for the day when I start to gain.
It is also lowering my self-esteem, keeping me from being able to make decisions on my own, making me feel ugly and fat, keeping me from having healthy relationships with my family, friends or men, keeping me from 'growing up', keeping me from saving money and therefore buying a house, etc, and making me sick. My chest hurts sometimes. I am always tired. My face is swollen. I am scared.
I have never wanted to go back to the doctor, but I am ready now. I definitely need medication for depression and especially anxiety. And possibly ADHD. And therapy. I am not sure if I am willing to gain weight, but I know I am not willing to live in this hell anymore. And I can't get out alone.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I never was
This is how I feel about it...
I never was…
Thin enough
Smart enough
Outgoing enough
Articulate enough
Funny enough
Pretty enough
I just wasn’t enough
Third daughter and this one’s fat
She isn’t enough
No not enough
She isn’t agreeable enough
No not what we wanted at all
She’s always trying
Trying to be more
Trying to be thinner
Smarter
More outgoing
More articulate
Funnier
Prettier
But it’s not enough
The harder she tries
The more she lacks
And it’s never enough
I never was
I never was…
Thin enough
Smart enough
Outgoing enough
Articulate enough
Funny enough
Pretty enough
I just wasn’t enough
Third daughter and this one’s fat
She isn’t enough
No not enough
She isn’t agreeable enough
No not what we wanted at all
She’s always trying
Trying to be more
Trying to be thinner
Smarter
More outgoing
More articulate
Funnier
Prettier
But it’s not enough
The harder she tries
The more she lacks
And it’s never enough
I never was
Monday, February 2, 2009
Are you just always hungry?
This was my Mom's attempt at understanding my bulimia. And you can imagine how I felt about that! You see, my Mom really has no problem with me starving myself. As long as she does see me eat and she knows I am not throwing up, it's quite alright with her if all I consume is two hundred calories a day. She doesn't care to go further than that. It may be to protect herself from the reality of the severity of my disease or it may be that she just really likes me best really skinny, I'm not sure... She doesn't like to rock the boat or get me upset and I think it's just because she doesn't know what to do.
Who does know what to do? I'm twenty-five. Well out of her reach. And she knows it and I'm so stubborn about doing things my own way. Too bad my own way sucks...
I stayed home from work today. My weight has fluctuated up by ten pounds. Partially pms and partially the non-stop b/p session I've been on. I had gotten crazy thin and now I feel like a bloated blimp. My mind is going crazy throwing insults. My face is swollen and deformed looking and I'm physically exhausted. I need a nap... I rarely let myself. I worry about the laziness and gaining weight. I need to let my body rest and heal. Maybe today is the day. I say that a lot, if only to myself. But faith is all I've got these days.
Who does know what to do? I'm twenty-five. Well out of her reach. And she knows it and I'm so stubborn about doing things my own way. Too bad my own way sucks...
I stayed home from work today. My weight has fluctuated up by ten pounds. Partially pms and partially the non-stop b/p session I've been on. I had gotten crazy thin and now I feel like a bloated blimp. My mind is going crazy throwing insults. My face is swollen and deformed looking and I'm physically exhausted. I need a nap... I rarely let myself. I worry about the laziness and gaining weight. I need to let my body rest and heal. Maybe today is the day. I say that a lot, if only to myself. But faith is all I've got these days.
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